anxiety

2017 Sara

Hello, lovelies!  I don’t really expect anyone to be waiting with baited breath for me to write a new blog post, but if you are – wow! You should have spoken up, and I would have done this sooner- and if you aren’t and just happened upon this for whatever reason – welcome to the bag of cats riding down an MC Escher rollercoaster that is my brain and this blog!

It has been a rollercoaster.  But I am learning more about all kinds of stuff every day.  And I am always trying to learn more about my brain and body.  It just seems like the goalposts keep moving, doesn’t it?  I figure something out and something else pops up.  Anyway – I was looking back through notes and found this unpublished entry that I am going to share today because 1) I think might be worth sharing and 2) I’m a little lazy today and just wanted to get something back on here so that I can get my toe into the routine of sharing stuff regularly.

Mostly the second one.

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Without further ado – step into the time machine back to May 2017 when we were all so unaware of the very wild timeline we were skidding into. 2017 Sara had some shit going on, but she had no idea that the world was about to spiral out of control.  It’s been a lot.

But it turns out that what 2017 Sara wrote is actually really meaningful to 2025 Sara. I still have that brain that sometimes tries to get me, but I have a lot more information to help me now. (More about that later because it’s actually a pretty big piece of the “WTF is wrong with me” puzzle – that’s my least favorite puzzle, but I have a lot more of the pieces now!)

So here’s 2017 Sara from May 8, 2017:

I’ve been having a tough time lately.  Lots of reasons I suppose.  I may be PMSing.  My insurance company made me get the new generic form of the effective antidepressant it took me so long to find.  (I get the idea behind this. They are cheaper. They save money and they are basically the same.  But not always exactly the same.  And I am weird and apparently sensitive or something.  Albuterol for your asthma?  Hahahaha.  No.  You need levoalbuterol. Yes, that’s the exact. same. molecule.  It’s just flipped around.  You, however, need THAT one.  Also, it’s way more expensive.  But when it comes to my brain chemistry and everything my brain and I have been through together, that’s just not something I am ok with playing around with.  I mean, I won’t even try energy drinks because they might affect my neurotransmitters…)   Oh. And, of course, the entire world is going to shit.  (*Note from 2025: Deja vu like crazy. What could these two years have in common? So weird.)

I have to say that I have the best husband ever who understands my illness and what I need when things are getting kind of bad.  And I work with some amazing people who understand what mental illness is and the ups and downs.  I am super lucky.  That being said, now I’m going to whine.

I went running tonight.  This was a pretty big deal for me because I really just wanted to curl up in a tightly wound ball of anxiety and cover my head with pillows and silence. I know that exercising helps me with my depression and anxiety.  I even changed clothes before I left work.  But when I got home, I had a little girl who wanted to tell me about her day and I had a body that just felt so tired.  But aforementioned husband encouraged me to go on and run, so I did.  And I felt a lot better.  

I realized some things. (This often happens when I’m running but I usually forget by the time I get home.  I’d like to say that’s because I run for such long periods at a time, but really, I just have a shit memory now.)

My playlist was trying to help me out.  I heard “Ironman” (because you fucking ARE one, you badass!).  I heard “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger’.  This one reminded me that my depression tried to kill me, but it didn’t.  I’ve been through worse with this illness before and it didn’t kill me.  I’ve fought it before and won.  I can do it again.  Then I heard “Everything Is Awesome”, which is significant, not for the reasons you might think.  So here’s the extent of my philosophical abilities:  In case you didn’t listen to the words, this song is satire.  It makes fun of how we’re supposed to put a positive spin on everything.  We’re all alike and we’re so happy! “Stepped in mud, got new brown shoes/It’s awesome to win and it’s awesome to lose..A Nobel prize, a piece of string/You know what’s awesome? Everything!” Some things are shitty.  They are just the worst.  There is no good about it.  Having cancer, wrecking your car, losing a loved one, your house burning down, dealing with depression and anxiety.  Those are decidedly NOT awesome things.  They suck.  If something like this is going on for you, don’t let people say “Look on the bright side.”  No.  No.  That thing is shitty.  It is.  And it’s ok to say that.  Having depression and anxiety fucking sucks.  It doesn’t mean that my life sucks or that I haven’t been blessed in innumerable ways.  But that part is no good.  

So that’s that.  The only thing left is how I deal with that.  Now THAT’S the part where I can start to spin this narrative of my mind.  This illness that I have, it tried to kill me.  It was very nearly terminal.  But it wasn’t.  I found good treatments and good-ish coping mechanisms and I am still here.  I still have the illness, but I am stronger than it is.  I fought it before and I can again.  I know that exercise helps my mind (and my body desperately needs it too) but I haven’t made it a priority.  This slippery little slide back into anxiety and the edges of depression (whether it’s the new medication or hormones or the state of the world) scared me enough that I went out tonight to run IN SPITE of my mind.  Suck it, anxiety.  And the stubborn, strong part of me knows that I need to keep that shit up to keep the darkness out.  So maybe I won’t call my dr (who I don’t really know and who doesn’t really know me because I just moved here and don’t know anyone) and ask them to beg the insurance to pay for my pricey brand-name drug.  Maybe I will use the less effective medication as a push to keep training. (And if I’m slipping, I have the call to the doctor — and 3 pills I saved from the original rx — as a back up.  Don’t worry.  I have good people watching out for me and I am much more honest about things than I was a few years ago.)

I know this is rambling and stream-of-consciousness, but I’m finding it hard to keep thoughts in order in this foggy brain. But I wanted to get it down before I forget. So if you’re still reading, thank you! Hope this helps someone else too.

My Brain and Body talk shit to me

Today I apologized to my body.  Right now, my mental health isn’t great.  It’s been in slow decline for a few months and this week and next week are challenging in their own right, so I’m not really at my best.

I am treading water. And that’s ok.  I am good at treading water.  I can keep my head up enough to breathe for a long time.  The problem is, if I am treading water, I really, really can’t help anyone else swim.  And I feel very guilty and terrible about that.  I see other people treading water, and I see people who are thrashing around, trying to grab onto anything.  And I want to help.  I have been there and I want to be the kayak to hold on to in a long Ironman swim.

But I can’t.

I want to reach out and help them.  I want to duck under the water and push them up from below so they can get a good solid breath.  And I sometimes do.  I take a big breath and go under and push someone up.  Then I run out of air and start treading again.  But it’s taking a toll right now.  Apparently, I have spent too much time under water and not enough energy trying to get to the shore.

Today I had a lapse in my ability to “deal with shit” (Did you picture air quotes?  Because those quotation marks were definitely sarcastic air quotes.)

After I finished at work (taking a break to run angrily around the parking lot), I drove home, fed my child, dropped off a package at UPS for work, let the dogs out, and picked up a lot of dog poop from the yard (because I HATE doing that chore so I haven’t done it in awhile.  Like  a long while.  So gross).  I washed my hands, I went into my bedroom, shut the door, and decided I should meditate. (Which is weird because usually I just lie down and go to sleep.  Sleep is my coping mechanism.  I just want to stay asleep and not face anything.  Sadly, I am not paid to sleep.)

So I did. (Meditate, not sleep).  I set a timer for 10 minutes.  I have to set a timer, otherwise I am always looking at the clock to see what time it is.  And I focused on my breath.  And I focused on my body.  It took a couple of minutes (I don’t know how many because I WAS TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT THE CLOCK) of my brain talking to me.

“Good.  Now we can relax.  It’s good to relax, isn’t it?  This is relaxing, right? Wait.  What are you going to do for dinner?  You didn’t get groceries.  You need to put extra scrubs in the car.  Oh and the car needs to be cleaned out.  Remember how you noticed that earlier?”

“You’re just my monkey brain trying to talk to me.  I’m going to notice these thoughts and let them pass by.”

“Wait.  Did you call me a MONKEY BRAIN?  WTF?  What’s a monkey brain?  Who are you calling a monkey brain?!  Uh, hello.  I am YOUR brain.  YOU have a monkey brain.”

“Yep.  Just gonna notice and let them pass…”

(Ad nauseum)

 

At some point (I don’t know when; I wasn’t looking at the clock) I got quiet.  I kept trying to focus on my breath, but my heart kept distracting me.  It was pounding.  Like, hard.  It’s been doing that lately for no damn reason.  No running or exertion or jump scares or even anxiety attacks (I say anxiety attacks, because anxiety is always there, under the surface causing… well, anxiety… but the attacks are what normally make my heart pound and my blood pressure go up and adrenaline to rush and then make me shaky when it goes away. It’s like you KNOW Jaws is under the boat, and you get used to the constant fear, but then he jumps out of the water and then you get the OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE fear) But there was no anxiety attack.  No reason at all for my heart to be pounding away.

So I talked to my body.  Talking to myself is not uncommon.  I have very interesting conversations between the two different parts of my brain.  all.  the.  time.  It really is like it’s two people having a conversation.  And if you didn’t think I was crazy before, perhaps I have now convinced you. Job well done.

So, my brain often talks to itself, but I don’t usually talk to my body.

This is how the conversation went this time:

Me: Woah.  Why do you keep pounding like that?

Heart: …

M: Shit.  You don’t have to do that.

H: …

M: omg.  You think you have to do that.  Because I have been totally ignoring everything you’ve been telling me lately.

H: …

M: I have had unending illness for the last 4 months.  My body hurts all over.  I can’t think.  I can’t even breathe lately.  Maybe my body figured my heart could get my attention.  I am not being good to myself.  I am ignoring all the shit and stress I am putting myself through.  I keep telling myself that it’s fine and I can handle it.  My mind keeps telling me that I can do it; I’ve done harder.  Other people can handle this type of thing.  I am strong and I can do all the things for all the people.  But in my heart (literally), I know that’s not right.

H: … I love you and I’m trying to take care of you

M: I am so sorry.  I am going to be more careful where I spend my energy.

H: … (my heart gets calm and beats like a normal heart)

 

Y’all, I am so sorry if you are one of the people I can’t save right now.  I am so, so sorry if I have to tell you no.  Please know that I love you, and I want to help you in every way you need.  Please know that if I tell you no, I can’t do something, it’s because I can’t.  I can’t keep going at this rate and expect my mental illness to improve or my body to get well.  If you are treading water, I see you.  And I am right there with you, trying to save up the energy to swim to shore.  When I make it to the shore, the first thing I will do it throw you a life preserver.  I promise.  From my heart.

Options!!!

Hey there, lovelies!! I feel like I have a legit excuse for the looong time between posts this time. Seriously. I know I always have good excuses (because I am an absolute wizard at rationalization) but these are really good.

 

We moved. I started a new job. G started a new school. It’s the holidays. And it is just who I am as a person. (When I was unpacking, I came across no fewer than 8 different journals that had 1-2 entries each. There may be more, but they are still hiding among my unpacked treasures.)

 

I am pretty happy, honestly. But I am unmoored.

 

I love the new job. It’s crazy and really busy and chaotic, but it feels good and everyone there is really wonderful. I still have my usual imposter syndrome and my “I’m not doing a very good job” inner monologue, but I like being a veterinarian again. And my hair is no longer falling out in handfuls. My commute is 30 minutes (it’s not bad at all most days; my previous drive to work was 8 miles but it took 20 minutes because of all the infuriating, poorly timed lights – ugh.) and J’s commute is now 30 minutes instead of 1.5 to 2 hours. So that’s all good. But it’s new and I don’t have the familiarity with clients and clinic culture that I had for the last 10 years. So, I’m unmoored.

 

G loves her new school. But there’s not as much communication as I was used to at her old school. I don’t know if that has to do with starting mid-year or if her previous school was just super great at including parents or if it’s because her teacher also got thrown in mid-year (a week after G started, she got a new teacher – the teacher is experienced, but just took over the class all of a sudden…) So I feel disconnected there and like I have no idea what is going on. G is loving it and she is excited to go to school and she is learning well and she actually enjoys reading now, so I can’t complain too much. Again, just a little unmoored.

 

We’re in a new city. The house finally feels like home and I mostly know where I’ve put things now. But I know NOTHING about this city. And I know NOONE here. I miss Choral Arts and being in the know about what’s happening and who will be there (I totally knew all the most awesome people in town. Love you all!!) And I knew all the good races and the people who would be participating and I knew the stores to go to for specific things… Things I took for granted. Now, I don’t know what the hell is going on or where to look to find out. I’m going to join a community chorus, but I don’t really know what to expect (small-town community chorus or awesome semi-pro chorus like Choral Arts? Dunno). I want to find a new yoga class that has the same vibe as the one I had come to look forward to each week. I don’t know where to “run by” on the way home to pick up whatever it is I need. That easy familiarity is gone and I am unmoored.

 

We had an election. I can’t even go into that now. Ugh. Waves of nausea. That’s a whole separate post. Let’s move along.

 

I have more time off now and I have a much more predictable schedule (and I have gained 20 lbs and don’t exercise at all), so I’ve mostly decided on Ironman training again. Louisville probably – mark your calendars so you can come to the best finish line of all Ironman races. But I don’t know where is safe and good to ride my bike. I don’t know good places to run. I don’t know anyone on my (low) level to bike or “run” with. I don’t know how to find safe and reliable childcare while I do my long rides or long runs (once I get to those). I am unmoored.

 

And I’m farther away from my family. Not an impossible distance. 3 hours. But there is a time zone difference and a longer drive than it was. And with J’s work schedule this holiday season, it will be much harder to spend time with them during the holidays. We’ve moved away physically (and emotionally from toxic in-law family stuff back in the other city), and I miss my family.

 

All these changes are really good (moving, new job, new town, less drama), but it leaves so many things wide open. Things don’t have to be done a certain way. This is good, but it’s like having a writing assignment without a topic. “Just write something”. Um, ok. Let me sit here and stare at this page for a few hours while being paralyzed by the infinite possibilities. Infinite possibilities are great! I’m super lucky to have so many options.

 

But it’s paralyzing and stressful for someone like me who can picture all the different opportunities and different options and different outcomes. Once I choose one, the others will be gone!! What if I choose wrong? Gah!!! (If I remember my Indiana Jones correctly – and movies are pretty much the source of all facts in life – if I choose poorly, I will turn into a skeleton in a very dramatic and horrifying fashion, then my dusty remains will blow away. So that’s a lot of pressure.)

 

This year will be the year we start new holiday traditions for our little family. G will remember them when she is an adult and they will either be sweet or scarring. So much pressure! I can decide to be whatever kind of veterinarian I want to be and decide how I want to interact with clients and set the stage for how my career will continue. I can explore new places and new stores and new things. I have so many ways to choose!

 

But because the field is wide open, I can’t decide or take any action whatsoever. Which causes even more anxiety. I am unmoored and floating around and can’t even decide which way to paddle. Or which paddle to use. OMG. Did I remember to bring a paddle? Where did I put it?

 

Any words of advice are welcome – especially if it has to do with local recommendations. While I’m getting settled, I am going to try to go with the flow (at least in the new year) and just enjoy the first world problems of too many options.

Well, hello there again.

I’ve been visited by Depression’s BFF lately. Anxiety wasn’t really invited when she first stopped by, and she sure as hell has overstayed her welcome. Both Depression and Anxiety make it hard to get out of bed and function in the real world. When Depression sets up camp, I don’t want to get out of bed because what’s the point? Nothing matters. Nothing is worth getting out of bed for. I have no worth and I’m DEFINITELY not worth expending that minuscule amount of energy that I have left in my body. When Anxiety is here, I want to cover my head and curl up into a tiny ball of raw nerves that vaguely resembles the shape of a female adult human. Depression makes it hard to function because I just have no energy and no desire to do anything, even things I love doing. I live in a foggy brain that can’t make sense of the world and the sunshine. And everything feels so. damn. heavy. Anxiety makes it hard to function because every nerve in my body is ready at a moment’s notice to send out signals to run or fight or have a heart attack. Some of those nerves think it’s fun to misfire and send out those signals all day long.

I know, just KNOW in my heart that something bad is happening or is about to happen. I forgot something important or I made the wrong decision or I have a terrible disease or someone I love has something bad happening to them or the car repair is going to be super expensive or I forgot that something is coming out of the bank account or I forgot to turn off something I should have turned off or I will never get everything done that I need to do or why can’t I concentrate on anything right now or my patient is dying or I messed up that routine surgery when everything seemed totally fine but probably isn’t fine or I am going to be fired or I am going to be sued or someone is mad at me or someone is judging me or …

Actually, all those “or”s should be “and”s because all those thoughts are going through my mind at the same time and my body is pumping out crazy amounts of adrenaline and cortisol. And it is exhausting. It’s probably similar to trying to make sense of that paragraph o’ run on sentence. Welcome to my brain when Anxiety is visiting! I just want to cry all the time, but not because there is no point to being alive, like when Depression is here, but because there is just too much and I just can’t deal with all of that at once for days at a time.

Honestly, I’m pretty good in the moment when something is happening. I can deal with unexpected problems in surgery and I can deal with bad news when it is delivered and I can perform in front of big crowds and I can handle an actual emergency when it happens. (Afterward, I shake and sometimes cry, but not until that shit is under control.) I cannot deal with the constant onslaught of hormones that Anxiety brings with her. Our bodies aren’t really meant to. Those hormones and on-edge nerves are meant for sprinting, not marathons.

Anxiety is getting the hint and is starting to pack up her bags to leave, but I am worn out. And I really don’t quite know how to deal with her. She’s visited off and on since I was a teenager, but she didn’t move in with me like Depression did. I have learned some coping mechanisms for Depression (and finally found a medication that helps) but I’m still struggling with Anxiety. Exercise probably helped a lot and since I still have done nothing in the way of making that a routine again, it let Anxiety just invite herself right in.

I do have a half marathon coming up in April. Once I can quiet my mind enough to look at a training plan, I might just be able to get Anxiety out of here for awhile. You all may get tired of it, but I will try to post my workouts daily on here, for accountability.

Um… There will probably be many days (if you follow this blog and don’t “unfollow” when you see the phrase “post daily workouts”) when you think “Oh, she just forgot to post or she was too busy” and I love you for giving me credit like that. In reality, I probably found some way to rationalize not exercising that day.

I love you all and if you have any suggestions for dealing with Anxiety, I’d love to hear them. (Suggestions from experience, please.) Comment away!

Pondering

Haha. So that’s how my goals always seem to go… I was planning to post once a week on Sundays and now I’ve missed 2!! What to do?!? Just hop right back into the saddle, I guess.

Today I was pondering, as I do when not cursing the traffic lights and the poor planning associated with them on my way to work. (Seriously… NO ONE turns there. I have NEVER seen a line to turn there. Why do we all have to sit there for a full 60 seconds for a turn signal no one needs?!?)

I woke up this morning with anxiety. I washed all my clothes yesterday, put up most of them, and set out my outfit last night. My legs were shaved and my hair washed and my body clean before I went to bed. My gym bag was packed with swim gear and running stuff (I like to keep my options open.) My phone was fully charged and the alarm even woke me up this time!! I knew what I was taking for lunch even though it needed to be repackaged. The Tupperware bowls and lids were easily accessible (yay me!!) My car had gas. I left in plenty of time with my cup of coffee in my hand – and I didn’t even spill it on my shirt! The weather was beautiful. And I was so anxious. I felt like the world was just going to explode at any minute.

Something. Bad. Was. Going. To. Happen. Any minute. No really, any second now… But it didn’t. Traffic was fine. No coffee was spilled during the drive. I went a different way that has fewer traffic lights. At work I didn’t have any nasty messages from unreasonable clients or any patients on death’s door or even any super frustrating or confusing cases. Still anxious.

Back to pondering. Some days I wake up and I feel so positive. Even when things go wrong, nothing can get me down. On those days, I am conscious of that great attitude and I try to pinpoint how I can recreate that every day. A few days might even go along that way, then – BOOM – anxiety, stress, bad attitude. Sometimes it’s hormonal. Those days, everyone is stupid and my “dealing with other people (especially their stupid shit)” tank is e-m-p-t-y. But that’s pretty predictable and transient and I can usually find a friend to commiserate. It’s the unpredictable, unexpected negative days that catch me off guard and scare me a little. I don’t want to go back down the slippery, dark slide back into depression.

I’ve decided (vaguely several weeks ago and now definitively because it’s in print – sort of) I’m going to approach these anxious days with a new tactic. I’m going to treat myself like a very young child. When I feel anxious, I’m going to say to myself, “Self, I can see you are anxious. That’s not a good feeling. Can you tell why you’re so anxious? No? That’s no fun…. Oooooh! The sky is so blue today. How pretty! I wonder what it smells like outside right now. I bet it smells like those honeysuckles across the street! Breathe in deep. Wow it feels good to have air in those lungs. They really stretch out! Blow out through your lips slowly. Let’s see how long you can blow air out….” Distraction FTW! (For the win. Is that a thing outside online gaming?  Are my nerd roots showing?)

Yes, I realize I didn’t invent the idea of focusing on your breath to bring yourself into the moment and mindfulness and all that. But my anxious mind will have to be tricked into focusing on sensations rather than speculations!  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Like most of my best-laid plans, I’ll probably stumble. A lot. But I’ll just get back up (look around to see who saw that) and keep on going.