Today I apologized to my body.  Right now, my mental health isn’t great.  It’s been in slow decline for a few months and this week and next week are challenging in their own right, so I’m not really at my best.

I am treading water. And that’s ok.  I am good at treading water.  I can keep my head up enough to breathe for a long time.  The problem is, if I am treading water, I really, really can’t help anyone else swim.  And I feel very guilty and terrible about that.  I see other people treading water, and I see people who are thrashing around, trying to grab onto anything.  And I want to help.  I have been there and I want to be the kayak to hold on to in a long Ironman swim.

But I can’t.

I want to reach out and help them.  I want to duck under the water and push them up from below so they can get a good solid breath.  And I sometimes do.  I take a big breath and go under and push someone up.  Then I run out of air and start treading again.  But it’s taking a toll right now.  Apparently, I have spent too much time under water and not enough energy trying to get to the shore.

Today I had a lapse in my ability to “deal with shit” (Did you picture air quotes?  Because those quotation marks were definitely sarcastic air quotes.)

After I finished at work (taking a break to run angrily around the parking lot), I drove home, fed my child, dropped off a package at UPS for work, let the dogs out, and picked up a lot of dog poop from the yard (because I HATE doing that chore so I haven’t done it in awhile.  Like  a long while.  So gross).  I washed my hands, I went into my bedroom, shut the door, and decided I should meditate. (Which is weird because usually I just lie down and go to sleep.  Sleep is my coping mechanism.  I just want to stay asleep and not face anything.  Sadly, I am not paid to sleep.)

So I did. (Meditate, not sleep).  I set a timer for 10 minutes.  I have to set a timer, otherwise I am always looking at the clock to see what time it is.  And I focused on my breath.  And I focused on my body.  It took a couple of minutes (I don’t know how many because I WAS TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT THE CLOCK) of my brain talking to me.

“Good.  Now we can relax.  It’s good to relax, isn’t it?  This is relaxing, right? Wait.  What are you going to do for dinner?  You didn’t get groceries.  You need to put extra scrubs in the car.  Oh and the car needs to be cleaned out.  Remember how you noticed that earlier?”

“You’re just my monkey brain trying to talk to me.  I’m going to notice these thoughts and let them pass by.”

“Wait.  Did you call me a MONKEY BRAIN?  WTF?  What’s a monkey brain?  Who are you calling a monkey brain?!  Uh, hello.  I am YOUR brain.  YOU have a monkey brain.”

“Yep.  Just gonna notice and let them pass…”

(Ad nauseum)

 

At some point (I don’t know when; I wasn’t looking at the clock) I got quiet.  I kept trying to focus on my breath, but my heart kept distracting me.  It was pounding.  Like, hard.  It’s been doing that lately for no damn reason.  No running or exertion or jump scares or even anxiety attacks (I say anxiety attacks, because anxiety is always there, under the surface causing… well, anxiety… but the attacks are what normally make my heart pound and my blood pressure go up and adrenaline to rush and then make me shaky when it goes away. It’s like you KNOW Jaws is under the boat, and you get used to the constant fear, but then he jumps out of the water and then you get the OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE fear) But there was no anxiety attack.  No reason at all for my heart to be pounding away.

So I talked to my body.  Talking to myself is not uncommon.  I have very interesting conversations between the two different parts of my brain.  all.  the.  time.  It really is like it’s two people having a conversation.  And if you didn’t think I was crazy before, perhaps I have now convinced you. Job well done.

So, my brain often talks to itself, but I don’t usually talk to my body.

This is how the conversation went this time:

Me: Woah.  Why do you keep pounding like that?

Heart: …

M: Shit.  You don’t have to do that.

H: …

M: omg.  You think you have to do that.  Because I have been totally ignoring everything you’ve been telling me lately.

H: …

M: I have had unending illness for the last 4 months.  My body hurts all over.  I can’t think.  I can’t even breathe lately.  Maybe my body figured my heart could get my attention.  I am not being good to myself.  I am ignoring all the shit and stress I am putting myself through.  I keep telling myself that it’s fine and I can handle it.  My mind keeps telling me that I can do it; I’ve done harder.  Other people can handle this type of thing.  I am strong and I can do all the things for all the people.  But in my heart (literally), I know that’s not right.

H: … I love you and I’m trying to take care of you

M: I am so sorry.  I am going to be more careful where I spend my energy.

H: … (my heart gets calm and beats like a normal heart)

 

Y’all, I am so sorry if you are one of the people I can’t save right now.  I am so, so sorry if I have to tell you no.  Please know that I love you, and I want to help you in every way you need.  Please know that if I tell you no, I can’t do something, it’s because I can’t.  I can’t keep going at this rate and expect my mental illness to improve or my body to get well.  If you are treading water, I see you.  And I am right there with you, trying to save up the energy to swim to shore.  When I make it to the shore, the first thing I will do it throw you a life preserver.  I promise.  From my heart.